Sorry, snowflakes, your grandma’s recipes aren’t sacred OR a recipe for butthurt, secret ingredient is: WAAHHHHH!

Sorry, snowflakes, your grandma’s recipes aren’t sacred. Nope. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but Nana’s time-honored recipe for Banana Butthurt Pudding was borrowed and embellished. But shhhh!!!!! Don’t let her know you know! Contrary to butthurt online, if someone learns how to make something, and then turns around and starts a business, that’s life. You might be able to sue them if that thing was patented, but chances are, your Nana’s pudding ain’t. Further, if what they’re making is some run of the mill item you can buy at the grocery store, you’re shit out of luck, Sherlock, well, save for whining about it like a little diaper baby online. But no worries! There’s lots of little diaper babies online these days who love to cry about these kinds of things!

Recently, a business in Portland was shamed into shutting down because the owners, two – GASP! – White women (the horror!!), dared to learn a few tricks about how to make the sacred food of the Aztecs, flour tortillas, and then bragged about it on the web.

As we all know, it’s against the law to make and or sell any kind of tortillas without the expressed and written consent of Quetzalcoatl. And even then, the Ancient Onda Council requires a blood sacrifice and your first-born as well. Also, Edward James Olmos must personally oversee your enterprise. This is the reason no one makes or sells tortillas!! Duh!

Oh, wait…

I hate to break this to you but…there are literally thousands of recipes for tortillas on the world wide web. Shocking, I know.  Even…GASP!…white people make them.

But get this, these WHITE women (ugh!), had the audacity to go to a another country and then ask the locals how to make their food. I mean, my god…they should have been beaten and arrested on the spot! Where were the police when this occurred?! No doubt practicing white supremacy!!! Fuckers!!!

““I picked the brains of every tortilla lady there in the worst broken Spanish ever, and they showed me a little of what they did,” Connelly told the Willamette Week. “They told us the basic ingredients, and we saw them moving and stretching the dough similar to how pizza makers do before rolling it out with rolling pins.””

Did you just read that? I mean, that’s fucking theft! Read it again. The nerve of these white supremacists! Who, in their right mind, would ASK for a recipe? I mean, fuck!!!! They practically committed murder.

I am so upset over this MACRO-aggression. Hang on, I have engage in autistic screeching  for a moment.



Ok. Whew. That helped. Thanks for allowing me my safe space there, bud.

Seriously though, I have to ask: why is this an issue? Why did people freak out about this? Why don’t people have better things to do with their time? Who fucking cares?!

If you’re under the illusion, that this kind of practice isn’t the goddamn standard of the restaurant industry, then you’re an idiot.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1.) Get an idea for a business

Step 2.) Research the market

Step 3.) Gather information on competition

Step 4.) Start your business

Pretty much every restaurant in the history of the world has “borrowed” from other restaurants. That’s, uh, kind of a no-brainer there, folks. And this is key: ALL businesses do this, even “colored” ones. I don’t see anyone shitting their pants about Black businesses selling Mexico food…

Did they “steal” their recipes?! Where are the SJWs to the rescue?

I mean, would these idiots flopping around on the ground and screeching about these women, have been happier if they had simply Googled their recipes instead? Would that have been less “racist”? Would that not have offended the gods?

Or, should white people be banned from making and selling “colored” food altogether? Should there be laws against whites selling food that is “not theirs”? If your answer is yes go fuck yourself, racist.

Hell, let’s go one further and bring back “White Only” and “Colored Only” businesses in order to fix this pressing issue of our times, that way everyone has their own “safe space,” you bunch of fucking retards.

Here’s what kills me. Shaming these women wasn’t enough, but someone went as far as creating a list of “white owned” restaurants in Portland and “colored” ones. And they had the nerve to urge people to patronize the “colored” ones because to do otherwise is to reward “white supremacy.”

Do you people not realize how that sounds?? Allow me to demonstrate how this sounds in reverse and then you be the judge of how ridiculous this is:

“Here are some alternatives to Black-Owned restaurants in Portland. These colored businesses hamper the ability for White people to run successful businesses of their own.”

I’d love to see a list of restaurants owned by “coloreds,” urging customers to try White ones instead. Cuz that would totally happen. No, that would get called racist immediately and it would never happen unless you were reading Stormfront. But somehow, the opposite is tolerated. It’s insane.

Do people have the right to boycott and voice their displeasure with a business? Yes. It’s called voting with your dollars. I mean, fuck, go on Yelp and talk about how shitty the food is AFTER you’ve tried it. But harassing someone based solely upon their skin color is something else entirely, and we used to call it “racism,” but these days, as long as it’s against white folks, it’s allowed.

How about, if you don’t dig this business, don’t patronize it? End of story. But noooooooooo, that’s not good enough. You have to make sure that no one is allowed to patronize it because it offends your delicate sensibilities.

Shame on these women for kowtowing to the pearl-clutching church ladies. They should have stuck to their guns and told these kids to fuck off.

Never-fucking-mind that the people who these women grifted the recipes from were not the ones calling foul!! That, would be one thing, but instead, it was complete strangers, who saw an interview online and then decided to make it their personal crusade in life to destroy the business based solely on one thing: race.

Mission accomplished, heroes. You can sleep soundly now that the evil tyranny of white people selling burritos has been thwarted for another day. Tell Quetzalcoatl his recipe is safe…for now.

So, enjoy your victory, do-gooders. Maybe you can celebrate at a local restaurant! Just don’t bother asking the owner where the recipes come from…because you might find yourself burning the place down if your precious moral compass is yet again tarnished.

The horror…the horror…





  • PKC Reply

    So sad. Thank you for the dark humor, though- and telling it like it is. So many things to put energy into and they targeted this business? If only they put the same energy into closing deportation centers or private-run prisons…….where are we going in this country?

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